Tired of Swimming

When it comes to most things parenting, and even food, these days I don't swim in the mainstream. In fact, more often then not I find myself swimming against the current. And I'm tired. I understand that I have different opinions on a lot of things, but having to constantly explain and justify my parenting choices has begun to wear on me. I used to want to open the eyes of everyone I talked too, but now, more often than not, I find I prefer to avoid such topics all together. 

I can only listen to "wow, a home birth? You're crazy!" so many more times before I'm going to crack and smack some poor girl in the face for what she thought to be a humorous comment with a hint of awe.
Does everyone really need to tell me how "they could never do that," or "I just couldn't ever put up with that" every single time I mention cloth diapers or co-sleeping? Sure, most the time it's meant as a sort of compliment, but when you hear it as often as I do, it all starts to sound like  "you're just to darn weird and out there for me to take any thing you say seriously."

Believe me, I understand that there is no one right or wrong way to raise a child, just as no two children are exactly a like. But despite this knowledge, just once, I'd like to be able to casually mention something from my life of motherhood without feeling like I need to launch into a defense for how I do things at my house and how their really is lots of research that supports delayed vaccination, and "extended" breastfeeding.

Oh breastfeeding...I don't even want to get started on that one.

I'm sure I'm not the only mother that feels this way. Even parents that do swim mostly in the mainstream can get worn down sometimes. Motherhood, like swimming, will tire you out no matter how you do it. So why can't we all make things easier on each other and accept each other's choices with the knowledge that we've all taken a personal journey to where we are as mothers/fathers and that the journey continues to go on.

I'm not a crunchy mom because I woke up one morning and decided I wanted to shock the world with my antics. I'm the mother that I am because I love my daughter with all my heart and am trying desperately to keep as both afloat by doing what I hope, and sometimes know, to be best for my dear sweet Tali girl and me.

So please, if you're paddling down stream, could you try and keep your oars from whacking me in the head? :P

Bye, Bye Chemicals, Hellooooo Organic Face!

Pregnancy turned me into a crazy birth activist and has made me fall in love with all things natural.  I recently read a book called “Green Made Easy: The Everyday Guide for Transitioning to a Green Lifestyle” by Chris Prelitz, and I learned soooo much!  I’m taking baby-steps towards a greener, more eco-conscious life.   
My new obsession that grew out of it is  all natural organic, homemade (if possible) products.  I’ve been washing my face with nothing but water and ground oatmeal for a week now!  Who would of thought something so simple, easy and cheap would be THE best face wash I have ever stumbled upon?  I follow the oatmeal up with a rub down of  lemon juice and then put on my lavender face and hand cream I bought at pike-place (not home-made but it does contain all natural ingredients).  On top of this I also switched to all natural mineral make-up from a very Eco-conscious company called Alima Pure.  They use recycled/recyclable material for everything they can and they have a jar return program for your used up make-up containers. So far I’ve only ordered their samples, but I’m already in love.  Good for the environment, good for my skin, and they make me look awesome!  You can buy their makeup at AlimaPure.com.  Thanks to these easy changes, those pesky blemishes I’ve been trying to get rid of for WEEKS are finally starting to fade away. 

This got me thinking, if eliminating chemicals from just my face has had so much change for the better, what would happen if I cut chemicals out of the rest of my life?  I started obsessively reading product labels and was appalled at how many chemicals we rub into the largest organ of our body ever day! This thought led me to do something I’ve been wanting to do for a while now: make my own hygiene products! I have my jar of ground up oatmeal that I use every evening, but I needed body wash, shampoo and conditioner to complete my organic hygiene collection. So that's exactly what I made! 

Well, save for the conditioner, I've since learned that coconut oil, if allowed to soak in your hair several times a week before bathing, makes a great conditioner. 

I'm now moving on to eliminating chemicals from my cleaning supplies. Did you know that vinegar is just about the BEST cleaning product out there?  It's great for removing toilet stains.  Just poor some in your toilet, allow to soak over night, and Presto! Beautiful, clean toilet.  The best part of eliminating chemicals is how much money you save, and you don't have to fear your toddler downing a bottle of spot remover (But no one would ever do that! Obviously you haven't met my brother...)

 

*Stay tuned for details on my one Month Vegan Experiment that I'm starting in exactly 

1 hour and 6 minutes.*

No need to pay $80 for a nursing shirt, just go naked!

Ok, now that I've got you're attention, no, I'm not advocating going topless. lol I just wanted to toot my own horn and show off how wonderfully clever and talented I am!
I took this:

Plain, boring shirt that I forgot I owned because I never wore

And turned it into this:

Cute, practical nursing top

That I'll definitely wear!

Already tested it with Tali and it works great for an easy, comfortable and discrete nursing for both Tali and I :)

Baby Love Affair

Italia is 5 months old today!!!!! Where has the time gone?  How did I ever live without her?

I’ve been told by countless women that you don’t know love until you have a child of your own. I always thought this was somewhat false as I believed that as much as everyone does/should love their kids, isn’t their husband the one they should love more than anything?  I came to find my own truth in their words during the birth of Italia.

During our birthing I’ve never felt more love for anyone than I did for Brenan.  He was my rock that made the experience one of love and joy.  I long for my next birth every time I think about my last.  How can I describe the feeling of sitting in your bathtub wrapped in the arms of your husband, who has surely tired himself out holding you up so that you might bring a baby into the world together, as you both gaze into the eyes of your daughter for the first time?  There are no words.  I imprinted on everyone in that room that day.  I will forever love each woman that attended and supported me during my birth.  For all the back and knee presses, for rubbing my hands when they cramped up, for moaning with me so that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to find my birth song, for all these things I will be eternally indebted to them.  But my love for them, that came merely because they were in the same room with me when Tali was born.

Having a baby amplifies your love for everyone and everything.  I thought I loved Brenan before February 13^th, but I was wrong.  I didn’t know what love was.  Now, I can’t get enough of him.  I want to spend every waking moment cuddled in his arms, simply enjoying his company.  I miss him when he’s only in the other room.  Corny, I know.  But after experiencing something so amazing with him by my side, whispering words of encouragement and affirmation, how could I feel otherwise?  And when I see him holding our sweet little girl, there’s so much love gushing through me that I feel as though my heart will burst from the sheer volume of it.

My love for Italia is just as great, but different.  When I look at Tali I have to fight the urge to bite her.  I literally want to eat her.  I’m constantly nibbling her ears and cheeks, sucking on her toes, licking her head.  Perhaps it’s because she used to live in me that I feel the need to consume her once again.  Whatever it is, after 5 months I still can’t get enough of her!  And just when I think I can’t love her anymore, it’s time for her to eat and I’m flooded with oxytocin once again and suddenly her cheeks are ten times more adorable then they were a minute before.  Then she pauses in her nursing to smile up at me and I know she’s getting the love hormone too and once again I have to fight back the urge to eat her.

Love is such an amazing thing.  It makes the little things in life into precious miracles every day: the kiss that still brings butterflies after almost two years of marriage, the little hand that clutches yours even in sleep, the wonderful life that surrounds me.  I’m so very grateful for my little family, and I can’t wait for the joy that will continue to come as it grows.

This is Italia and Brenan when she was just 4 days old. 
Have you ever seen a baby so young with so vibrant a facial expression?

Oh the joys of a laughing babe

       Italia's been laughing for a while now. Anyone that's a parent knows that nothing captures your attention quite like a laughing baby. There is a special kind of joy, a rapture, that comes from every smile and giggle that a little one shares with the world.
      The very first time Tali giggled I was in the middle of changing her diaper and was playing with her legs and singing a funny/ridiculous song that I would be embarrassed if anyone else had heard. Of course I continued making a fool out of myself for at least another 15 minutes in order to get as many giggles as I possibly could. I'm sure anyone that's been around a baby has experienced this.  It doesn't matter how bonkers you're being as long as the baby is smiling and/or laughing.  She'd made sounds that I like to call "pre-giggles" before, but this was the first time that I knew with out a doubt I was making my baby laugh.
        I've since learned that Tali LOVES to bounce. She'll be laying on the bed and I'll kneel over her and jump up and down and she'll giggle up a storm, and if she's not giggling, she's cooing and talking to me.  I'm not sure which I love more, to hear my baby jabber away at me, telling me many, what I'm sure are very important, stories, or to hear her cry of joy and know that I caused it.
       Today, Tali released her longest string of full on belly laughs I have ever heard --hence the blog entry.  I was carrying her to the office and started to walk in a very bouncy fashion and she started to laugh like crazy.  I reached the office and continued to walk in a circle with my bouncy steps for a good 10 minutes basking in the joy that was overflowing from my daughter.  I'm sure anyone that saw me through the window must have gotten a good laugh themselves.
         I always knew that I would enjoy being a mother, I just never knew how much I was going to utterly love it!  I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the fact that I was blessed with the happiest baby I have ever met.  Every morning I get to wake up to my wonderful husband on one side, and my beautiful smiling baby on the other.  Yes, she does in fact wake up smiling, without fail, every morning. Who wouldn't want to start their day like that?
         I'm so very grateful for my hard working husband and his job that allows me to stay home with my little Tali girl.  I always planned to be a stay at home mom if I could, but I secretly dreaded it, thinking that I would miss the life I left behind.  Now that it's here, I wonder how I ever could have thought such silly things.

     Sometimes when I tell other, more experienced, mom's this they say "Just you wait, soon enough...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."  I think it's sad so many wish to blast young mothers with the "woes" of motherhood rather than share all the joys that are yet to come.  So if you're reading this, please share what you love most about being a mother.  Whether it's the tender moments you share while quietly breastfeeding in the wee hours of the morning, or the nonsensical knock-knock jokes they tell that only a two year old would find funny.  Or if there's to many to choose from, share the first time you can remember hearing your little one laugh.

Public Nurser and PROUD!

Tali and I have been spending a lot of time lately with my crunchy mama friends and their little ones.  It’s just so nice to be around like minded people that you don’t have to explain your parenting/birth choices to because to them it’s normal.

 So before I tell my story I should tell you a little bit about my friends.  Most, if not all of them had out of hospital births, they all breastfeed, many of them cloth diaper, co-sleep and all of them subscribe to baby wearing and attachment parenting and one of them is a leader in the Intactivist chapter here in Utah.  So you can imagine my surprise when we were at the pool yesterday enjoying the water, talking and casually feeding our babies when suddenly a voice from behind says “could you not feed your babies all out in the open.” That poor, brave, naïve lifeguard.  I was trying SO hard to hold back hysterical laughter.  I didn’t even bother to open my mouth to say anything to the teenager because I knew the second he opened his mouth he was about to get an earful from the rest of the women around me.  “You do realize we have a legal right to feed our babies?” Shannah asked.  “Well yeah, but some of the kids are getting offended,” he replied.  ‘Well that’s ok, I don’t think I’m going to stop since I don’t have to,” replied Kat.  There was a bit more but I forget who said what when.  That lifeguard ran away faster than Snape confronted with Shampoo ! (If you’ll allow me to borrow the words of the Weasley twins.)  I was rather annoyed that at that very moment Tali decided she was done eating, didn’t want that lifeguard, or my friends for that matter, to think I was actually doing as he asked! 

We’d all heard of things like this happening to breastfeeding mothers, especially after all the news coverage with what happened to one woman at Seven Peaks, but none of us had ever personally been asked to stop feeding our babies.  We all thought it was great fun!  Of course we went and talked to the manager, all secretly hoping that it would be some crazy, exciting confrontation that would make for a great story.  Sadly (happily?) the manager’s wife was also breastfeeding their baby and so he agreed with us whole heartedly that we had a right to feed our babies at the pool without throwing a cover over our lo’s heads in 90 degree weather.  And we left with the promise he would be informing his lifeguards of this so that we wouldn’t be bothered again.  Guess we wouldn’t get to take our story to the news after all…

We did find it quite ironic that at a pool where women are walking around with pretty much everything but the nipple (and even that you can  see through some swimsuits) showing people were offended by breastfeeding mothers.  Thanks to Tali’s hat, less of my boob was visible when she was nursing then when my suit was pulled up, and it was the same for the other mom’s as well.  But wheather that was the case or not, why is it we can show off our boobies when we’re trying to be sexually revealing, but not when we’re trying to feed a hungry babe?  This I have never understood.

When Tali was first born, I used an utter cover when other boys/men were around besides Brenan.  But I quickly learned that Tali wasn’t having any of that.  She HATED eating under the utter cover or any sort of cover for that matter.  For a little while I resorted to finding some private area where I wouldn’t “offend” anyone.  I was doing that even in my own house!  Tali would get so upset because of the time it took me to find a private area and FINALLY let her eat.  Then one day as I was struggling to get my crying Italia, who was clearly hungry, to eat under the cover because there was no place for me to nurse privately I decided enough was enough!  Why was I making mine and Tali’s life unnecessarily more difficult?  Because we live in a very unfriendly society towards breastfeeding, that’s why.  I couldn’t think of any real reason why I should have to force Tali under a cover, or feed my baby in a bathroom.  Didn’t Tali have the right to all the comforts any other person would get when eating? I’m pretty sure the last time our country tried to discriminate against someone eating where they wanted it didn’t go over to well (sit ins, marches, riots, etc).  Babies are people too aren’t they?

“Oh, but that’s not what’s wrong with breastfeeding,” you might say.  Of course *sigh.* People don’t have a problem with babies eating, after all, when did someone get upset over seeing a baby sipping from a bottle?  It’s the breast the baby is sucking on.  I myself have never felt comfortable in a bikini and I try very hard to remain discrete while nursing without a cover.  I’ve always been very private about my body and still am.  But when a baby wants to eat, THEY WANT TO EAT!!!  They have no sense of time, so the moment they realize they’re hungry they feel as though they’ve been starving forever.  Why would I force my baby to cry when I could eliminate her discomfort immediately? (I might add here that contrary to popular belief, crying is NOT good for babies so don’t even try to hit me with the argument that a little crying doesn’t hurt).  Is someone else’s mild discomfort more important than my baby’s needs? 

I’ve heard countless people say “there’s already so many temptations for boys/men these days, do you really want to add to it by nursing in front of them?”  To them I want to say “Are. You. SERIOUS?!”  Feeding my baby is a temptation for your husband, son, brother, etc?  If that’s the case they have far more issues then my breastfeeding in public.  How is a baby suckling at his mother's breast a temptation in any way?  I feel like the innocence of the baby at the breast greatly diminishes any sexual image these people are afraid of.  In fact, I feel that the image of a nursing mother is a very HEALTHY image in a world where the women’s body is overly sexualized around every corner.   It’s a reminder of the miracle of the female body.  We’re able to grow a baby with our body, and then we feed that baby WITH our BODY!!! It’s so very cool on so many levels.  It’s because the world fails to respect the miracle of the women’s body, and the wonderful gift that it is, that women now have to fear for all the “temptations” that plague the males in their lives. I plan to make the image of a nursing mother a very normal thing in the lives of my future sons so that when they grow up, they won’t even think twice when they see someone else doing it.

As for the last argument I’ve heard, which kind of ties in with all of the above, “It just isn’t’ modest.”  To that i say, there's a time and place for everything.  It's generaly not accepted as modest for women to walk around in their underwear, however, if you're at a beach or swimming pool it is perfectly modest to be in a swimsuit --which is essentially just as revealing as your underwear. It's generaly not acceptable to bare yourself to a man that is not your partner, but if he's your gynecologist and your getting a pap-smear, then go for it!  I feel it's the exact same for nursing.  It's generaly not "modest" to bare your breasts to the world, but if you have a hungry baby that you're feeding the way nature/God designed, then that's more than ok!  Breastfeeding mothers should not be shamed to hide under a tent, nurse in a stinky bathroom stall, or breastfeed anywhere other than where they are at the exact moment their nursling wants to eat.

 So yes Mr. Lifeguard, I WILL nurse my baby out in the open thank-you very much!

 Such an offensive photo!

My journey to a Home Birth

                A lot of people have asked me recently, “what made you decide to have a natural home-birth, especially for your first birth?”  I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.  What was it that made me decide to become part of the one percent in our nation that has out of hospital births?  I guess to really answer that question I have to go back to the very beginning of my pregnancy.

                When I first found out I was pregnant, I didn’t even think about what would happen at the actual birth, I was just over joyed to have a baby growing inside of me and promptly made an appointment at the Women’s Health Clinic in Sioux City where we were staying for the summer.  At my first appointment things felt like a typical doctor’s appointment.  A nurse weighed and measured me, took my blood pressure, had me pee in a cup and all that usual medical stuff.  Then the doctor came in for a few minutes, poked something up my hooha, gave me “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and sent me on my way.  The rest of my appointments in Sioux City were almost mirror images of that, minus the pap-smear.

                Meanwhile, I read all of “What to Expect When Expecting” in a week and was left mildly disappointed.  That was what pregnancy and birth was?  No wonder women these days hated pregnancy and childbirth.  And yet, I didn’t buy into all that.  I began furiously reading every ounce of information I could get my hands on that talked about pregnancy and birth (when I eventually read “HypnoBirthing: the Mongan Method” I realized that my approach to birth was very similar to that of Marie Mongan’s).  I watched birth video after birth video.  Most of which were a mix of natural and drugged hospital births, none of which appealed to me in the least until I stumbled across a hospital water birth attended by a CNM.  THIS was what I wanted.  I turned my research to CNMs and promptly found some Nurse Midwifes in Orem, where I would be returning at the end of the summer.  I wouldn’t be there for another month, but I called and made an appointment anyways.

                I stopped my frantic research at that point thinking I’d learned all that I needed to and anxiously awaited my first appointment with the New Beginnings Midwives.  September finally came and Brenan I headed out to Orem Community hospital to meet the ladies that would be delivering our baby.  I was much happier with my first appointment with Jennifer then I had been with my OB appointments.  I felt much more at ease and Jennifer talked to me about things that were in my medical history, that I’d brought from The Women’s Health Clinic, that had never even been mentioned to me.  I was happy and content with my birth decision until 28 weeks rolled around and I was in one of the labor and delivery rooms of Orem community waiting for my RhoGAM shot.  THIS was where I was supposed to bring a baby into the world? I looked around me at all the apparatuses that surrounded me and felt the crinkle of the bed underneath me.  This was awful.  I was anxious to get out of there after 30 minutes, I couldn’t imagine being in there for 24 hours for delivery and after birth monitoring. 

A week later I got a notice in the mail saying that New Beginnings was closing down the first of January.  What?  How could this happen in my third trimester?  It just wasn’t fair! But then again…this opened up more options.  I went to my next appointment shortly after that and Jennifer told me that Orem Community was kicking them out but that I need not fear for they were currently undergoing the transition to new doctors and that all I’d have to do was transfer my records.  I left there that day feeling once again, fairly content with delivering with New Beginnings.  But as the week dragged on I became more and more restless with the idea of a hospital birth.  I knew I wanted to deliver naturally and began my research once again.  Were there even birthing tubs at the hospitals my CNMs had privileges?  What kind of interventions did they use?  I stumbled across a piece of info that I never seemed to have grasped before, CNMs reported to OBs, the very doctors I was trying to escape.  Furthermore, I knew NOTHING about the doctors that my CNMs were currently under, or the ones they were switching too.  Right around this time it became clear that I wasn’t going to have Health Insurance for my birth and we didn’t qualify for Medicaid.  If we paid up front and I didn’t get an epidural, needed absolutely no interventions, we would be paying $3,800 out of pocket. 

It was because of all this, that I began to look into birth centers.  I had heard that they tended to be cheaper.  Thanks to Google, I found the Bella Natal Birthing suites that were run by the better birth midwives, but another CPM –Cathy O’Bryant—also had privileges there.  I mentioned to my mother that I was thinking about delivering with an out of Hospital Midwife “Oh no! You don’t want to do that,” she said, “You’re going to want to be in the hospital.”  And that was that, or so it seemed.  For several more days I just could not get the idea out of my head and so I decided to call and make appointments with both the Better Birth Midwives, and with Cathy.  I mentioned what I was doing to Brenan and he seemed to be a little wary, but willing to look into a Birthing Center because of the cheaper price and its close proximity to several hospitals.

My appointment with Cathy came up first.  Appointments took place in her house in Payson, a short 15 minute drive from my home.  It was just a sort of meet and greet but I was hooked.  From what I read about Cathy on her website, and from meeting her in person, I knew without a doubt she was who I wanted to attend my birth.  I loved Cathy and her assistants.  I hadn’t known it, but they were what I had hoped for my whole pregnancy.  I told Cathy that I was thinking I would birth at the Birthing Center, and she was fine with that, but Cathy has this way when you can tell she has an opinion that she’s not sharing; she clearly preferred homebirths.  I made a prenatal appointment with her and headed back to Spanish Fork fantasizing about having my baby at home.  This was the first time that I even considered birthing at home as an option.  But surely I wouldn’t be able to get Brenan to agree.  It was tricky enough just to make him ok with the idea of a Birth Center, but the closer I got to home, the surer I was that was where I wanted to have my baby girl. 

The second I walked in the house I began more frantic researching.  I learned that whether you deliver with a CPM in a birth center or at home, there’s no difference in what supplies they have on hand.  So if I wasn’t going to deliver in a hospital, I might as well deliver at home.  I also learned that statistically, for a low risk pregnancy such as my own, home births were actually safer than hospital births!  That was it.  When Brenan got home I told him about my meeting with Cathy, took a deep breath, then told him we were having the baby at home and it was my decision because I was the one giving birth and his only option was to support me.  I could see the objection building and threw in that it was only going to cost $1800 for the rest of my prenatals, the birth, and my follow up appointments.  That settled it.  Our baby was going to enter the world at home in our bathroom.

                Best. Decision. Ever.

Italia's Birth

I Chose to bring Italia into the world at home with a wonderful midwife and I used HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method.  I highly recommend both to anyone looking to have an amazing, even romantic, Birth.

And now for my story...

My birth Story begins several weeks before my guess date when I started having LOADS of pre-labor every night. I hadn't had any Braxton hicks before then, and so that's what I thought I was experiencing until I described my surges to my midwife (Cathy O'Bryant) and she told me they were the real deal. Every night I would start having surges around 9 and they'd die off sometime during the night while I was sleeping. Thankfully, I never got psyched out thinking it was the real deal because my entire pregnancy I somehow knew I was going to go at least a week over my guest date (February 5th). February 13th rolled around and I remember lying in my bed that night and talking to my Heavenly Father. I truly enjoyed being pregnant, but that night I told him that I was ready to have my baby. I woke up at 6am the next morning and went to the bathroom. I remember being surprised that I'd gone 7 hours without peeing. I’d just had the best night’s rest I’d had in several months!  When I crawled back in bed I realized I was having fairly regular surges, about 6 minutes apart. I knew almost instantly that I was going to have my baby that day, but I squelched my excitement so that I could get a few more hours of rest that I knew I was going to need if I was really going to have my baby that day.

I woke again at 9 and laid in bed cuddling with my husband for a bit, he doesn’t have to be anywhere until 11:00 on Monday's and so we usually take a lazy morning. My contractions were about 3 minutes apart at that point, but I was reluctant to say anything to Brenan on the off chance that it still was the pre-labor I'd been experiencing for two weeks. We eventually made it out of bed and I nonchalantly told Brenan about what I'd been experiencing over a bowl of cereal. I did so discreetly because my mom had flown in from Washington several days before and I wasn't ready for her to jump around in excitement like she had been ever since she’d arrived.  This was her first grandchild and to say she was ecstatic would be an understatement.  However, a few minutes after that I was cleaning up the kitchen when my mom walked in and asked me a question right at the peak of the strongest surge I'd had yet and my mind was incapable of thinking up a reply. She knew I was in labor at that point and she and Brenan began asking me what I wanted to do. I decided things were really easy going at that point so I just called Cathy to see when I could stop by for my prenatal appointment (I hadn't made an appointment the week before in hopes that I wouldn’t need one, but Monday had rolled around again and still no baby) I mentioned to her that I'd been having some surges and she said she was currently at a birth not far from me and would stop by afterwards to see how far along I was.

I told Brenan that he should go to school and I'd call him if I needed him. Meanwhile, my mom and I went grocery shopping. Looking back, I think I did the majority of my dilating in Wal-Mart. My surges really weren’t bad at all so long as I was moving. My mom would stop to grab something and I would pace back and forth in front of the cart. My mom and I joked about how most women would probably be rushing to the hospital at this point, meanwhile I was seeing how many miles I could walk in the produce section. My mom asked several times if I wanted to go home, but I was convinced the baby was hours away, as I had yet to experience any real discomfort.

Cathy arrived shortly after we got back to the house and we chatted for a bit and she eventually asked about my surges and offered to check me. I felt rather reluctant because I thought she would be like "oh, you're at a 2" but to her surprise and mine I was an 8 and fully effaced with a bulging sack. It was about 1:30 at that point and my poor husband was just 30 minutes into his first of three classes of the day, but I decided I'd better tell him to come home. I didn't really want to though, because I felt fairly certain that the baby was not going to come before he would be home at 4:30 and I didn't need any help with my surges at that point either. My gut instinct turned out to be right. Cathy's assistants arrived and we talked as I bounced on the birthing ball for the next 3 hours. Brenan expressed his disgruntlement that I didn't need him to help me out with any of the HypnoBirthing techniques he'd learned and practiced, but he got to use them soon enough :)

I reached the point where I decided I really wanted to soak in the tub and Brenan went to fill it up.  My mom decided it was time for her to leave (I'd never flat-out told her, but she knew I wanted the birth experience to be a private experience for Brenan and I and I'm very thankful that she's the kind of mom that divined that on her own). I soaked in the tub for a while and Brenan read me a script.  Cathy checked me again and I was STILL at an 8. But that didn't bother me, I was enjoying the tub and my baby would come when she was ready. Things got a bit more difficult after that. I got out of the tub for a while and my surges started to ramp up. We did lots of things for a while to make the surges less uncomfortable. One thing I can say is that they weren’t ever unbearable, they were always something I could handle and I welcomed everyone with the knowledge that they were bringing me my baby. At one point Cathy had me lay on my bed with something propping up my butt for several surges. It took away all my back labor, but made the surges ten times stronger in the front. But it was something that had to be done to adjust how baby was entering the birth path. I practically begged to get back in the tub after that.

I don't know how long I was in the tub for but the surges were getting ever stronger and most of them were overlapping. Brenan sat on the back corner of our soaking tub and I leaned up against him. I was very deep in myself at this point and don't remember much, I remember my breathing went scawampus, and my body went all tingly for a while. I guess I was so out of it I forgot to breathe. Oops.  Brenan said my hands were like claws and I kept asking them to rub them. They put me on oxygen and I remember my jaw was locked but somehow I managed to ask Brenan to talk to me. He finally got to use his HypnoBirthing, and he did it so well! I don't even remember what he would say, but from then on he was constantly speaking words of affirmation to me and his voice is what I really remember. It's what kept me strong through to the end. After I regained my breath and the tingling went away Cathy told me I had to get out of the tub because I had a persistent lip that might go away after hours of waiting, but possibly not, so it would be best if she helped it out of the way. I was convinced that I couldn't stand up, let alone make it out of the tub to the bed, but I remembered my baby and how much I wanted to meet her and I remember actually saying out load "I can do this.”  Saying it out loud made me believe it was true.  When I made it to the room and saw that Cathy wanted me to get into the same position on the bed as she'd had me in before I really wanted to refuse, but I trusted Cathy to know what was best, and thus what I remember as the "painful" part of my labor commenced. However, it’s also one of my fondest memories. Cathy had to push on my cervical lip during surges; meanwhile my body was ready to push my baby out, which I had to fight against because it would make the lip worse. Brenan held me in his arms with his face right next to mine and I focused every fiber of my being on him and NOT PUSHING.  Not  pushing was the hardest thing I had to do.  They told me to relax my lips and blow out, which I then vigorously began doing. Brenan told me later I was sending spit flying and sounded like a horse, which makes him all the more my hero because he still kept his face right there, talking me through the surges. 

FINALLY Cathy said the lip was gone, though it could possibly come back, and I could get in the tub again if I wanted.  It felt soooo good to return to the water.  I knelt on my hands and knees and the urge to push hit me again, if possible, even stronger than before.  I was so excited to meet my baby girl and set to work with a very passionate determination.  I could feel her head inching down the birth canal and I was grateful for my overlapping surges because I did NOT want to take a break, not when I was so close to my long awaited meeting.  I never thought that the so called “ring of fire” would feel so wonderful!  It was such a glorious feeling because of what it meant: my baby was coming. I thought at one point that I should slow down to prevent tearing, but then I reached down and felt her crowning and there was no way I was going to stop after that. I moved to a squatting position up against Brenan, who had reclaimed his post in the corner of the tub. The midwives were caught off guard at this point because she was coming faster than they were ready for her.  I looked down and her whole head was poking out and my first thought was "what an adorable ear." Cathy said her shoulder was stuck and I needed to give another good push, I complied and out spilled my daughter.

She was placed in my arms as Cathy did who knows what to her, and I stared at her face.  Her eyes popped open and stared straight into mine.  It was so surreal.  I’d watched this moment a thousand times in birth videos.  I always thought I would cry at this point, but I was too in awe of my little girl to do anything but stare.  Tears would have just obscured my vision.

She hadn't cried yet, or even appeared to take a breath, but I wasn't worried, even as Cathy and the others began to work a little more vigorously on her.  I had faith in their skills, but more importantly, I had faith in my little Italia’s strength.  I knew she only needed a bit of time and she'd be fine.  All the while her umbilical cord was still attached and I birthed the placenta at some point.  Cathy had Brenan give her a blessing (oh how grateful I am for my wise LDS midwife J, which was when I realized things were fairly serious.  She began to cough up mucus which was cleared away and soon enough I was able to cuddle her to my chest again.

I nursed her for the first time a few minutes later, sitting cross-legged on my bed as my husband sat next to me.  I was thrilled to learn that I only had a few skid marks that required no stitches. YAAAAAY! Stitches had been the only thing I was afraid of when it came to Birth. Tali’s crowning must have been more controlled than I thought, I was right to have listened to my body.  After the midwives left, we had some time alone as a family before my mother returned

Looking back I think how scary things could have been if I hadn't been so calm and chosen a midwife that I trusted wholeheartedly.  Every step of the way I knew that my body was simply doing what it was meant to do.  When people ask me about my birth, I tell them I loved everything about it.  It brought Brenan and I even closer and I love him so much for the wonderful strength he was for me in the end.  Quite often people say I was “lucky” when I tell them how much I enjoyed my “labor,” but the truth is, I wasn’t lucky, I was simply prepared.